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Things looking up for the Doctor

September 16, 2011
The Inter-Mountain

Things are looking up at the old Clinic as we had an 8-3 record last week, which gave us a .727 win percentage.

That's not too bad in any language, but it could have been even sweeter if Tucker County would have held onto its big lead which it lost in the minute of the contest. But as they say, "you win some and you lose some."

Boy, do I ever feel stupid, though. I predicted that the Colts of Philip Barbour would beat Braxton in an upset by one tiny point. But I was the only one upset as the colts lost by 31 tiny points.

And let's not overlook the Bulldogs of Tygarts Valley, who did lose, but they did score some points and things are looking better up in the Valley.

Before making this week's picks, I would like to explain why I only forecast certain teams, all of which are in the Inter-Mountain's area. Here at the Doctor's Place, also known as the Clinic, we refer to those teams as, "Dr, Elmo's Dandy Dozen." This menu includes, Buckhannon-Upshur, East Hardy, Elkins, Lewis County, Moorefield, Pendleton County, Petersburg, Philip Barbour, Pocahontas County, Preston County, Tucker County and Tygarts Valley.

I normally toss in WVU games for dessert. Now to this week's forecast.

B-U (0-3) at NORTH MARION (0-3): Two teams who have yet to taste victory, but that will all change tonight, and you can bet next week's paycheck on that. The old 8-ball calls it a North Marion 13-point win.

POCAHONTAS (2-1) at EAST HARDY (2-0): Pocahontas is on a two-game winning streak since losing its opener and would really love to get win No. 3. The Warriors will have to wait a little longer, though. East Hardy by 17 points.

ELKINS (2-1) at PRESTON (1-1): The Tigers are just like a cheap burger, that is to say, they're on a roll. With a two-game winning streak, they'll be trying to make it three straight, and by-golly they're going to get it by 10 points.

EAST?FAIRMONT (1-2) at LEWIS (1-2): The doctor has connections in higher places and sees it as an 11-point win for homestanding Lewis.

TUCKER (2-1) at MHS (2-1): Tucker lost a tough one last week in the final minute of play, while the Yellow Jackets beat a good Southern team. Since they are playing this one in unfriendly country, the good doctor calls it a 7-point win for Moorefield.

PETERSBURG (1-2) at LINCOLN (3-0): The Vikings are an improved ball club and "a club" is just what they might need to win this one against a big-tough Cougar team. Here at the clinic we see it as Lincoln manhandling Petersburg by 24 points.

PHILIP BARBOUR (0-3) at LIBERTY (2-1): It was once said, give me liberty or give me death. But you can forget about the death and we might as well forget about getting Liberty, the team that is, because the good doctor sees it as an 8-point spread in favor of Liberty.

WVU (2-0) at MARYLAND (1-0): One of these two unbeaten teams will come back down to earth and here at the clinic we are sorry to say Maryland will top the Mounties by 10.

Now a few comments from the Ask Dr. Elmo book:

A reader writes: I'm having a problem with my detergent because it will not get blood stains out of my shirt. What should I do? Dr. Elmo replied: If you have blood stains in your shirts, I think that detergents aren't your biggest problem.

A guy in Virginia writes: What is your true meaning of Diplomacy? The doctor answers: Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock to throw at the son-of-a-gun.

Oh yea, I almost forgot to tell you about my new employee Bruno Kong and how he conducts his business in the X-Ray department. If you need a X-Ray, Bruno will take you into the room, which has extra bright lights in the ceiling, will hold you high over his head against the lights and then the doctor can walk under both Bruno and the patient and look up and see right through. The doctor will then take a snap-shot with his brownie camera to get a photo for the chart. All of this is done with a cost of less than three dollars. I recently found out that Bruno did attend a medical school, not in this country, but in a place called Transylvania, Romania. While there he studied under a man named Dr. Franklin Kenneth Stine, and this is where it gets interesting. I took his teachers name Frank from Franklin, Ken from Kenneth and his last name Stine and I came up with, DR. FRANKENSTINE.

I know that Bruno is nothing to look at, but I can't compare him with that monster. Please don't repeat this to anyone because if Bruno hears about it, it might hurt his feelings, not to mention, he might hurt me.



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