CCTV captured this (completely fake) conversation between President Donald Trump and a grocery store clerk yesterday.

CLERK: That’ll be $286.47, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Did you swipe my customer rewards card? I thought the Twinkies were half off.

CLERK: Yes, I did, but we’re doing this new thing where you have to download our app, log in, create a profile, find the item, scan the bar code and select “clip coupon” to get the discount.

TRUMP: Well, that sounds annoying and difficult.

CLERK: I’m pretty sure that’s the point.

TRUMP: Eh, all right, I just did it. Did it go through?

CLERK: Hm … yep! Just did. Your new total is $286.27.

TRUMP: I’m not certain that was worth the investment.

CLERK: Yeah, the laundry detergent was buy 15, get one free, but none of the rest of the stuff was on sale.

TRUMP: This is ridiculous. Haven’t you people heard how great the stock market is doing? The S&P is on a rocket ride! The Dow Jones had a record-high close.

CLERK: Most middle-class Americans only have about 10% to 20% of their net worth invested in the stock market, and lower-income folks come in at about 1%, if they’re even in the stock market at all. Less than a third of them are, you know. Stock market performance isn’t something that moves the needle with most regular people.

TRUMP: Don’t give me that malarkey. I just made the Fed cut interest rates. Why don’t poor people issue bonds at lower rates, allowing them to spend less money on servicing their debts?

CLERK: Sir, this is a Schwegmann’s.

TRUMP: The unemployment rate is 4.4%, for Pete Hegseth’s sake. Everyone who wants a job can get one.

CLERK: That’s partially true. To clarify, fewer people are getting laid off; however, hiring is also stagnant. Almost 40% of Americans are gig workers or freelancers and have little to no benefits, guaranteed paid time off or job security. And anyway, the federal minimum wage has been $7.25 since 2009, which comes out to $15,080 a year if you’re working 40 hours a week.

TRUMP: That’s my Diet Coke budget for the month.

CLERK: Right. And the minimum wage is even lower if you’re a tipped worker, younger than 20 or have a disability. Housing is a mess, with median home prices in the $400,000 range and rates over 6%. Availability is low because no one wants to sell when they can’t afford to buy another house, and rents are — if you’ll pardon the pun — through the roof. The real catastrophe is the cost of living, which is what you’re noticing right now. Groceries are expensive, right?

TRUMP: They are not. After I (allegedly) pressured them, Walmart agreed to lower the cost of its Thanksgiving meals.

CLERK: But there was less stuff in the meal. It’s like what we’re doing with pre-packaged items at the grocery store, where manufacturers are decreasing the amount of product in the packaging and charging the same amount. It’s a tactic to obscure price increases.

TRUMP: Wrong! Everything is better now that we’re on the other side of the Biden sandwich.