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A zinger can be described as a quick, clever, and sharp remark that often carries a humorous insult. Yet "humorous" can be in the eye of the beholder. While the person delivering the zinger may get laughs, what about the person being zinged?
The same is true of sarcasm. Years ago, I delivered what I thought was a funny line. Afterwards, a kind person asked me if I knew what "sarcasm" meant. He then said it comes from "to scar" or "the tearing of the flesh." Since then, I have worked hard to remove sarcasm from my repertoire. Another definition of sarcasm is "to mock, criticize, or show contempt in a humorous or cutting way."
Have you ever observed people having fun and trying to impress others at the expense of someone else? In all cases, who is listening is important. Maybe the group knows each other very well and has a foundation of trust. In that case, the zinger can be interpreted differently than it would in a group that also includes "newer" people.
Have you ever shared with someone that what they said was hurtful and the reply was, "I was just kidding." Or, "It didn't mean anything." While that may be true, but the damage was done.
We've all heard, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." The truth is, sticks and stones may break my bones, and words can hurt me. Sarcasm, cut downs, and mocking remarks can cause real emotional damage.
I have been in rooms and heard speakers get laughs with zingers, sarcasm, and other cutting statements. But what about those individuals who are not laughing? What is the speaker trying to accomplish? Often, by putting another person down, they feel elevated themselves. They are like a child showing off at someone else's expense.
A few tips:
• Try avoiding zingers or sarcasm. At first blush, they may feel good; however, take a pause and ask yourself, Will anyone be hurt?
• Who is in the room? If people know each other well and there is trust, a zinger or sarcasm may work. But what about new people? What may seem funny to some will not be understood by them. It can give them the wrong impression of a person.
• Before you speak, ask yourself, Is it true? Is it fair? Is it necessary? The "necessary" criterion often stops the action from taking place.
• I do many presentations in groups. My rule of thumb is that if I am making fun of anyone, it better be me. We all make mistakes, and we can have fun with ourselves. It keeps the room laughing with me, not at someone else.
My main message is one of kindness. People can better accept a message if done privately and with good intentions. My columns help me be a better me. We are all works in progress...let's be gentle with each other and ourselves as we grow.
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Quint Studer is the author of 16 books on leadership in the workplace and the community. His book Building a Vibrant Community is a valuable resource for civic leaders, business owners, and all citizens who have a stake in building a community they can be proud to call home. In Sundays with Quint, he shares a selection of his popular leadership columns for leaders, employees, and business owners in all industries. He can be reached at Quint@QuintStuder.com.