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It is said that being apart from someone increases your perceived value of their presence. I think sometimes that is true but it is not the case when you are the one of two children who take care of your dad, staying in the sweet hometown you grew up in.
The "proximity child" really bears the majority of the responsibility. If Dad needs anything, reaching out to Karen, "remote child"in Utah, doesn't help. Karen will just end up calling proximity child (I need to name her… let's go with Sarah), worried because Dad needs something. Again, Karen, Dad needs something every day, and most days, several times a day. So Karen dumps the issues in Sarah's lap, and feels justified for her "good deed." Thanks a lot, Karen!!! Sarah is the one who misses work to take Dad to his appointments, stays the night when Dad is out of sorts, and explains to everyone that Dad has dementia, and that is why he doesn't make a lot of sense when you see him at the bank.
But, Karen cannot get blamed for everything. She followed a different path in life, putting down roots and embracing a different lifestyle. It's exciting, building a life with your husband and making friends and raising children in a different part of this beautiful country. Young children do not always think of the "what ifs" that can come later in life.
So, when Karen comes in to visit, she works hard to give respite to her sister, doing all she can to take care of Dad, without incident. Both children are doing the best they can, with the situation dealt to them.
I have given a lot of advice to the everyday caregiver, so now I would like to address the remote child caregiver, the Karens of the world.
With the advancement of technology today, Karen can do several things to help take the load off of Sarah. She can order groceries online and have the food delivered to the house. Call Dad daily and talk with him about topics he loves. Karen's positive interactions will make for a better day for Dad, and in turn, for Sarah. There are picture frames that all family members can upload current pictures to, and the pictures will rotate, showing Dad shiny, happy people holding hands!
Reach out to an in-home service or senior center and pay for assistance that can help Sarah with the day-to-day needs. Ordering flowers or having dinner delivered to Sarah's house would be a gesture she will not soon forget. Send gift cards in thank you cards, recognizing all of the hard work Sarah does daily. Research the internet for ideas on how to help from a distance. Is Dad healthy enough to travel and stay with Karen for a while? If not, work out a long weekend where Karen can come in and stay with Dad and Sarah can get away. Long weekends breathe life into someone who is stressed to the max. (Believe me, I know).
Being a Karen is not the greatest compliment these days, but being an awesome, kick-a** sister, and thinking of ways to help your family through crisis mode, will turn any Karen into a Linda!