Breaking News
Letters to the Editor

Reader envisions high-level phone call

2 min read

This is a scenario for my conspiracy theory friends. If there was ever a moment in history it could happen it is now.

Feb. 15, 2022

Moscow Interpreter: "Hello. Who's calling please."

Washington Interpreter: "This is President Biden's interpreter and he would like to speak with President Putin please. It's kind of urgent."

Moscow: "Oh! I'm sorry. Mr. Putin is out riding his horse right now. He said he was going to circle Red Square a couple times and pass through the local university grounds before he returns. He will then towel dry his upper torso and put on a shirt. If he has time to talk I will call you back."

Washington: "That's fine. Thank you."

Forty-five minutes pass.

Washington: "Hello."

Moscow: "President Putin is available now for your President. Can you put him on the line?"

Biden: "Hey Vladimir, just thought I'd check in and see what your latest plans are for Ukraine. Like you asked I've told the nation you are going to make a move very soon. Probably right after the last Olympic competition. Also I've got a few thousand more troops on alert for deployment around Europe as if I was going to start a fracas. My handlers are also writing me some speeches to read so I can put up a good show here in the U.S. Did I do good?"

Putin: "Excellent, Joe. That will cover your tail for awhile. Now here's the plan. The two most eastern Ukraine territories, Luhansk and Donetsk, will be annexed first. Then, Russian loyalists will lob some rockets I gave them from there towards my troops across the border so we can legitimately invade. You can send another ten thousand troops to spread around Europe to make you look good and provide a distraction there at home while I prepare to make a move on Kiev.

"Remember this, Mr. Biden, you and your family get nothing from this deal if you fail to do as you are ordered."

Biden: "Understood, sir! Your wranglers and my handlers are ready with the propaganda. Just make sure you give me time to react to your demands. Some people, especially my top generals are already suspicious."

Putin: "Okay. It's a deal. Don't call me -- I'll call you."

Harold Arbogast

Parsons

Starting at /week.