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A great many American Patriots are going a little bit crazy these days.
On one side you have folks who believe that interference by Moscow poses a direct threat to our system of government. On the other side are those who wish everyone would stop with all the stupid talk.
However it's critical that we all agree on one thing: We should not ban Russian vodka.
According to recent reports, Gov. Jim Justice has had enough of Russian shots, so he banned their shots from stores. Signing a law to enact punitive sanctions against Putin. Enacting a law to prohibit sales of Russian made booze in the Mountain State. After all, foreign interference not only undermines our Constitution but our independence and sovereignty.
I hate to break it to you, Jim, but this is the way the world ends. Making Stoli illegal in West Virginia will set us on a slippery slope to an all-out global war. Here's how it goes down.
Now that West Virginia has drawn blood, all the southern border states will decide to ban tequila unless Mexico agrees to pay for the Great Wall. In retaliation, Mexico will boycott bourbon until the wall comes down.
Tequila and bourbon sales plummet, distillers in both countries are forced to close, laying off hundreds of their workers. Those workers have keys to the warehouse where all that unsold liquor is stored. After the liquor is liberated, a six-month party that will become known as The Schnockered Rebellion begins. When all the booze in North America is depleted and the companies that made it are gone and there is no way to replace it, the sobriety years will consume us.
A new governor will sail into office by promising to make West Virginia drunk again.
Unfortunately, with liquor production shut down, it will be hard for him to make good on his campaign slogan. While successful, attempts to mine residual liquor from backwoods moonshiners yield only enough ethanol for 5,000 bottles of booze, all of which are consumed before making it off the Capitol grounds.
Meanwhile across the pond, Germany outlaws British gin in protest of Brexit. The Brits, still bent out of shape about the blitzkrieg, bans German hooch. When both countries' stockpiles of liquor are gone it starts a mass exodus between the ages of 18 and 25, crippling their economies.
France, for no reason other that wanting to be on the losing side of a fight, bans everything not made in France, infuriating the Italians, who have been kept afloat since World War II by Paris' epic consumption of wine, firebombing their own factories, causing a worldwide shortage of the world's vermouth.
By 2024, Switzerland is the only country still distilling legal booze, which means all anyone can drink is absinthe. By 2025 the world's drinkers have been driven mad and a rash of ear-cutting breaks out across the globe, increasing tension because no one can hear each other anymore.
By this time a new booze tsar has been appointed. When asked to comment, his response is "What's that? Can you speak up?"
I think I've proven my point. We need to slow down this vodka ban business.
We'll be in another Cold War. Of course, I don't have to remind you that America is undefeated in the Cold Wars. It's the hot ones we are not too good at.
Good day!
Robert Ware
French Creek